Recipe For How To Entertain Your Guests

Jerry and I really know how to entertain our guests. Even if our guests are just family, we pull out all the stops complete with red carpet and nonstop entertainment. Never fear, I will share my recipe with all of you, my faithful followers.

Let me set the stage. It's my daughter's 12th birthday, and she wants dinner with a friend and her family at the Magic Time Machine. We invite her best friend, and my parents, along with her 2 sisters and brother, and us...it's a big group. The festivities begin on a Friday night. I should backtrack a little bit and let you all know that Thursday, Ethan came home from daycare feverish and sick. He was up all night, so we were, needless to say, exhausted.

My lovely parents arrived on Friday afternoon, and everyone was excited. Now, I decided to take Ethan, Lindsay and my mother to go pick up her friend who lives way out in the middle of nowhereville. Ethan didn't nap well that day, and I thought he might sleep in the car, and we were still trying to decide if we should take him to dinner. He did fall asleep, and seemed to be in a pretty good mood, so I decided dinner was a go despite Jerry's outspoken skepticism (somewhere along the lines of "are you freaking crazy, this is going to be a nightmare but whatever!"). On the drive home, I had the brilliant idea of having my dad, Jerry and the other 2 girls leave for the restaurant and get us a table so we wouldn't have to wait when we got there. I asked that Jerry lay out clothes for Ethan (he was in the baby white trash outfit of a tshirt and diaper), and I would swing by the house, and grab his diaper bag and clothes.

I get to the house, there is the diaper bag and clothes but no shoes. I run around looking for the shoes and can't find them. Shrug my shoulders and figure whatever, it's not like he feels like running around. Dad calls and they are at the restaurant wondering where we are (I say we are almost there, and by almost I mean not even halfway there). They won't seat until the entire party arrives. Great. I can almost visualize Jerry's nostrils flaring and that little vein in his forehead pulsing to the rhythm of his supreme annoyance. Oh and then there was the text from Libby to say that Jerry forgot her at home. WHAT!?!?!?!? I was just there, and the house was silent!!! How was it possible I missed her. How could he have forgotten her!??!?! I bet Jerry thought she went with me, and she had that stupid ipod plugged into her ears and didn't hear them leave. OMG now I have to turn all the way back home. Buzzzzzz: Incoming Text from Libby. "Just kidding mom, but can you hurry because Emily and I are in "man-hell" (she didn't say hell, but she was definitely not excited about being stuck with Jerry and Dad). Kidding? She was kidding!

Now that I can breathe again, I realize we are almost there. We pull into the restaurant to see my daughters standing in the parking lot doing some seizure-like Napoleon Dynamite dance moves. Oh goodness. I park the car, and dress my son. I tell my husband I couldn't find the shoes. I can't publish his reaction, suffice it to say it was Rated R. I mean, duh...the shoes were in his car. First place any normal, intelligent person would look obviously.

Dinner actually went really well. Our waiter was Johnny Depp's character from Pirates, and he was extremely authentic. The food was good, and everyone was having a great time. Even though Ethan was sick, he was good and quiet for the most part. Now we invited my parents, this is our daughter's birthday dinner, but my dad decides to pick up the tab. Personally, I think he thought we couldn't afford shoes for our kid, so we probably couldn't afford dinner. It was a very nice gesture, but Jerry and I both felt bad because we had invited them as our guests. So take note, first rule towards entertaining your guests: Make them feel sorry for you, so they pay for everything. At this point, Ethan is getting whiny, so my dad and Jerry take him home. Us girls stay and let Lindsay and her friend get their palms read. I should have had mine read, maybe it would have told me what the rest of the weekend had in store so I could have run straight to the bar and inebriated myself into next week.

We probably hadn't been home for 30 minutes before Ethan started screaming and crying about boogers in his nose. Jerry tried to snarf him out, and lay him back down. I lost count of how many times we had to go in his room, we each tried taking turns falling asleep with him, then sneaking out, but it would only last 20-30 minutes then he was up screaming again. The night peaks when Ethan throws up in his bed. We are both so exhausted, this is our 2nd night w/out sleep, we give in and bring him to bed with us. He sleeps on top of me, waking up on and off all night crying. His fever peaked to 102 and change, but he didn't throw up again.

It was the weirdest illness. He would be a happy-go-lucky little boy one minute and the next minute crying and whiny and clingy. We had taken him to the doctor on Friday, and had him tested for flu. It was negative. I tried motrin, and vicks and baths and nothing was working. My mom and I went shopping that Saturday morning, but my phone buzzed every 5 seconds with text msgs from home adding to my stress level and exhaustion so I'm sure it was about as much fun for her as having a root canal. Then we went to our mothership aka Target, and I started feeling sick to my stomach and sweaty, so we had to speed thru the 2nd half of target. My poor mother never gets her Target experience, there is only a scary Walmart and a smelly Brookshires near her house, so coming to visit my sister or I is like Disney World for a kid. I felt horrible.

Jerry had to work that night. I decided to fix burgers for dinner, but Ethan was so needy that my parents ended up cooking. Yep, you heard right. Friday night, they paid for dinner. Saturday, my dad did odd jobs for my kids, my mother put up with her moody and exhausted daughter, and now they are cooking their own dinner while staying as guests in my home. At this point they must be seriously considering never visiting us again, and if the events thus far hadn't convinced them, then the night to come surely would put the final nail in that coffin. After we ate, they cleaned up. My humiliation is complete. I am a horrible hostess.

I attempt to put Ethan to bed. Naturally he doesn't sleep, just keeps crying. I don't want to wake my parents, afterall they are probably exhausted from doing EVERYTHING. I bring him into bed with me. He won't stop crying. I start to lose it. I mean really lose it. I pick him up and put him on the floor, and just start yelling at him "what is the matter with you!!!!". He cries harder then proceeds to spew vomit all over the floor, down his pajamas and all over his blankie. OMG I don't DO vomit. Jerry does vomit. I can't handle this. I'm tired. I'm upset and angry that I don't know what is wrong with my son and how to make him better. I feel horrible that my parents are having to deal with this and help out. I just completely melt down. Oh and then with the vomit comes the butt explosion. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!? I'm crying, and gagging while trying to clean up vomit. Ethan is screaming. My mom comes into my room, takes one look at me, and takes charge. She wakes dad from his sleeping stupor and comes back upstairs to put Ethan in the bath to wash off the vomit. Dad comes up half asleep and mom instructs him to clean up the vomit.

OH MY POOR FATHER. He has to cook. He has to clean. AND now he has to clean up vomit from his grandson. They were my guests!!!! I'm amazed they didn't get in the car and leave for home that second. I can't even bring myself to get up off the floor of the bathroom. I sit there in my pajamas, my hair all over the place, crying hysterically, holding my naked son in a towel telling my mom over and over again that I can't take anymore. I manage to call Jerry, and amazingly thru my snot filled sobs he understood...GET HOME NOW. He found me on the floor of the bathroom, holding Ethan, rocking back and forth and doing that hiccup cry thing. He must have thought he had entered the loony bin. He took one look at me and said let's go.

We took Ethan to the ER where he miraculously seemed healthy and happy. Well, I didn't care. We weren't leaving until they did every test imaginable because I could not take another night or day of this. I didn't care that every other member of the ER waiting room gave us dirty looks as we were called back and our "sick" son went skipping down the hall. Nope. I gave them all the mental finger.

We were there for hours. He was tested for RSV. They took Xrays of his lungs. They finally came back with this diagnosis. Well, we can't find anything, must be viral. It's 2am in the morning, we've been up for 3 days, and I'm not even going to get an aspirin for this visit!

We got home, filled in my mom on the diagnosis or lack thereof. Put little man to bed, amazingly enough he went straight down and slept until almost noon the next day. I heard my parents moving around early the next morning, not surprisingly, they were dressed and packed and ready to go. Can't say I blame them. I'll be amazed if they ever come back, but we could not have gotten thru that weekend without them and for that I will always be eternally grateful. They've always been the "roll your shirtsleeves up, and step in the thick of the muck, salt of the earth" kind of people. I can't imagine life without them, and I love them very much.

Thanks mom and dad for everything, but mostly for just being you.